I feel so impertinent. So insignificant. And I don't even know why. I received a mail from daddy and mummy and I was very much delighted to receive a card from they. I cannot deny that I miss them and I wanted to talk to them a little longer. This weekend is CNY. The excitement is suppose to happen during CNY. I don't know.....really don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I'm. All I know is that I want to go home be with the ones I love.

I was feeling quite overwhelmed yesterday and today because I got back my equity assessed work and a card from mummy and daddy. I wanted to tell someone but that I don't even know who to tell. The one I wanted so much to tell, I can't tell because I have hurt him to many times. I'm so foolish. Because I have lost something so valuable. That I hate myself so much. Sometimes I wish he would knock on my door but he would never knock on my door. I didn't know his dog nearly died and he had a cynical quote on his nick. So I told him cynicism don't get you anywhere. I wish I could bury myself six feet deep of earth at that moment. I'm trying really hard to be a good friend. But on the way I broke so many rules. Say things that true friend wouldn't say. I'm concerned about him. But I don't know how to express. Here I'm cracking my head figuring out. I feel so stupid. I don't believe this. I would crack and cry over a guy. Why must it always be guys that I'm such a loser to. I'm so weak. I want to get out. I want to breath. I want me life back. And me not crying over them.

I want to let go. Let me let go!

 That was the song I dedicated to my friend Benedict'. I broke up with David. But somehow I personally feel that he should be with a girl that is nice and honest to him. So I decided to match them up. I know this is crazy being even more in Love with him. But I realised that most of the time the guy that I love would always leave me. I sometime  feel that I don't deserve to be in a relationship. I'm... emotional and complex but it doesn't mean I don't love you. I appreciated every moment I spent with him. I always wish that I could be the girl he loves and deserves but I know I'm not good enough for him. And the least I can do to show my appreciation is to find a girl that would care for him better than I did.

I wish I had never forsaken him. I wish I had him next to me. I wish that he would kiss me, hugging me, like before. But I know when I look into his eyes. He don't love me no more. I wish I had said these words sincerely to him.....I LOVE YOU.

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

I actually like this Bon Jovi song. I have always liked it since I was a young girl. But I never had an opportunity to dedicate this song to anyone. And if there was anyone that I could dedicate this song to it would be David.

I feel so blue, that I could die. I can't cry but I feel so sad. Or maybe I just wanted to prove to him I'm strong and that I will survive. Yesterday, when he was dancing with her, I saw chemistry like the ones we used to share. Of course, being human, I feel devastated and I feel like crying. But I keep telling myself, it is over. After Kenrick's incident, I thought I would never find a guy who will treat me good and respect me. But I was wrong. I did find that guy. I found and lost it. Now I just want him to be happy.

People say I deserve to be with someone good. But instead I would say it is whether I good enough for that someone. I pray to God every night in hope David would give me a second chance. But second chances aren't given to those who don't deserve it. If I trully had shown my love for him, he would have stayed. Why do i mock him when he advised, why did I run when he came? I am fool.

If you read the "Rule of Four" there was a picture in the "hypnerotomacchia Poliphilo" that depict Cupid killing two women that were defiant towards Cupid by not accepting his suitors. I feel like the two women. But at the same time I also feel like Cupid. Feel like Cupid because I feel like I'm always the matchmaker and not the bride. And I also feel like the two ladies because I have not only been defiant but I have also be emotionally killed.

I want to tell him that I really care for him every minute of the day and I would give everything in the world just to be with him. But I can't because I don't know as to whether it would make a different. I'm scared of rejection and I'm scared that I would jeoparadise our friendship. I'm just scared. I fact I'm a coward.

But if I ever get to say this words to him. I would say "  You might not be the most physical appealing guy in the world but you are tne of the most extraordinary guy in the world, in which no two are a like. You have one of the most mesmerising eyes I have seen and also the one that I want to wake up every morning to looking into, You also own the lips that kisses me before I go to bed to assure me that you will be there when I wake up and the one whom comforted me in times of doubt. And most of all you listen to me and care for me regardless of any circumstances. I love you.

I'm turning 19. I feel a lot older. I miss home...

First and foremost, it is a drag to be alone, especially when all of your friends are away from you. But I'm so glad that I met a couple of new friends here. It is undeniable that I miss the gang but I how can I celebrate with them? Fly back home? Sail home? it is almost impossible.

 I had an argument with daddy today because I felt he was shouting at me...because of my spectacles. Spectacles cost a bomb here. I could get mine for two hundred and twenty five Ringgit in Malaysia...here?..that amount is in Pound Sterling. The quarrel left me feeling very low the entire day..The quarrel made me feel..immature for not being able to fend for myself. It is not my fault the specs choses to be faulty.

Lately, I have been dating this guy. I haven't told any of my friends back home except Sho... In fact I kept it a secret from the rest in UK. But somehow.. there was a little..(or a BIG) birdie..who told everyone...now everyone knows I'm not single. I dislike letting everyone know I'm taken. I'm happy and proud to have him but.....I don't want my girlfriends to treat me differently..they assume you are to caught up with your boyfriend, so you won't have time to spend with them. I do see him. But I see him at night. Yes! a rendevous.....JK.

The thing about this relationship is that there is still a lot of doubts.. I haven't quite got the idea that he fancies me. There is a lot of unknown facts about him simply because he refuses to tell.  His excuse?.....I'm a listener. I feel comfortable in most aspects but this...I'm finding it hard to tolerate. Somehow, it could be caused by my low self- esteem. I still can't believe that any guy would like me. Kenrick...left me a huge scar.. my ability to feel secure with any of my partners. At the back of my mind, I'm constantly worried that one day...they would leave me after using me. I don't want that.....I just wanted someone to love and have that someone return the favor. David is very calm and sweet. He listens... He is good..and very patient. He has the personality of my dream guy. The guy that I would dearly like to have...and I do...Somehow it is to good to be true. I hope that he is mine and he won't cheat...I don't want to go through the heartbreak...I can't take that anymore.

Actually I'm already there.Experiencing my first night. Its cold but there are friends there with me. Thanks Hui Yee. I won't tell you much today as I'm already feeling knacked and tired. Will write soon.

Nah..... i wasn't listening to the song but i thought about it and wasn't sure what title should i give this entry. Maybe, it does.

Lately, I have been doing a few preparation for UK. people have been asking me when I'm leaving and whether I was sure about the whole idea. Actually.....no. But everyone has got to go someday or rather so why not now. Humans like me of the homospien species are particularly selfish......also not forgetting self centered. So what has selfishness got to do with me going to UK. A lot! I'm selfish as I going to miss everyone and everything i have here with me in Malaysia including my friends and my computer and my CD player, my books, my magazines, my photo albums.....my ASTRO..... ahhhhhhhhhh.....I can't take it ! Not my ASTROoo... but most importantly my parents, my family members and my friends. I get so emotionally attached to everything around me. However, when i think about the summer holidays at the mediterranean, Spain, France, Hungary, Germany, Poland, Estonia, Cyprus, Italy......the list goes on. Just maybe I won't be missing home that much. And of course my studies.......at a good Uni and my determination to do the BAR.

Today, I had my medical check up. Had a blood test, urine test, x-ray and a couple of injections. It was my first time..... was a little nervous but I totally forgotten about the nervousness due to the rumbling sounds of my tummy. I had to fast starting from nine at night. So, when you have been starving for almost 12 hours; All you could think about would be food.

The results of the check up will be on Monday and I would have to do another injection and this time it is for chickenpox or even hepatitis, although i remember taking a Hepatitis B injection. My results for my final exam will also be out next week on Wednesday. Been having severe anxiety attacks lately..thanks to that and when everytime my dad mentions about the visa application or my Uni application to Reading or merely the TALK.. What is the TALK  all about? Well, its just my parents telling me how lonely they are going to be without me and how the empty the house is when I gone. Hearing them say this makes me cry. Clearly, that show how attached I'm to them. I'm the only child. I'm not only worried about that because I'm also worried about my results and I have to pass my exam. I realised how serious this was when my parents started teling everyone and everyone was preparing a farewell party for me.....and my aunts aren't buying the fact that I can study Law. I have been doing Law for about nine months but everyone knows my character- lazy, sloppy and definitely not bookwormish. I believe in myself and I believe in God. I know I can do it. because He said so. I let God work for me by giving me the strength and the encouragement. I know that God would destroy such allegations about me and my capability to perform. Amen.

I might be posting a couple of pictures but first i have to get the software to reduce the size of the pictures...... pictures of my classmates in high school, college and university..... and my B'day as well.....compliment me if you like ^_^

 

That's it can't blog anymore until after the exams...... same to you guys!

I have been think about him again...... this is causing me enough trouble. Its not that it is one of the seven deadly sins to think of him but I really think that it is already over between him and me. He is gone.....

What was i suppose to say to him! Stay, don't leave me here! I love you. That would only happen in a movie and me romantic fantasies. I really want to be with him. OMG ! I'm turning to sound like one of those totally obsessive women. Planing the trip to see him in Melbourne during the holidays and even saving up for the ticket! Hahahahhaha.....I coming to get you!

Aiks.. Wicked Witch of the East for Wizard of OZ... Coincidentally, he is in Melbourne, OZ.

Thank God Jin and the others don't read this because if they do..... they'll know who i'm talking about.

I was actually at Subang Square having a nice glass of cold bubble milk tea today......subsequently causing me to suffer from hiccups. To help me cure the hiccups Mel screamed someone's beautiful name ( my foot x_x)

Yah it helped but i was so shocked that i suffered psychiatric shock. I'm still shaking the pants off.

Mel and Huey... they just couldn't stop laughing. Kenrick can sometimes be such a dork! Sometime is just not worth waiting for a dork like him.

Actually I'm not waiting. But the ship I wanted to sail on was probably business class...... heheheheh.....I but could only afford economy class. Meaning he doesn't have feelings for me. Even if he does, we are to far apart.

I know i don't often talk about this guy to anyone...... and the whole world probably thinks I like Kenrick.. Truth..... No!.

Everytime I pass by the bench we used to sit .....i feel like crying but of course i just brush that a side. Not that crying is even going to bring him back. That was the time i really got to know him. He was trying to get this girl and I was helping him thanks to my ex BF who insisted that i help him ( my x's bestfriend). Needless to say that failed. I broke up with my BF only to be consoled by him. Actually, he predicted the breakup. Psychic? maybe not but i would say he was like my aunt agony. When I was sad he would play the piano for me and create stupid lame jokes just for my amusement. I have never had a guy do something so romantic for me..... not even my own x's BFs. I wanted something money can't buy. Happiness. Something Kenrick can never learn.

I can't have him... He will never be mine.He is gone and before he left he had some other girl in mind. I think ..if he was to finally meet that special girl, he will love her with all his heart, just like how I'm feeling for him. I won't cry but I wish him all the best that he have found the one for him and be very happy and contented for him.

To me... As long as he is happy, I'm happy too.

I saw my Contract teacher today; asked her a couple of question about non performance.....only to realise i don't know a lot about that topic.

That's much better once i clarified with her my problem regarding the subject and realised i miss the whole about implied conditions or let's just say the condition but everything else is fine but i know it still sucks! Ah...... don't really get the question at all until she explained everything
today. Just imagine during the exam asking the examiner what this question wants......x_x
Lets hope that doesn't happen. But overall the day was great and also my speaking test was conducted yesterday. Tomorrow is my writing test.

And another problem that think i might be heading for in going on a trip tomorrow after the test and that is so close to the final exam!!!!!!!!
Hope everything is fine!

Yesterday, my house suffered power cut when i happen to be talking on the phone to my friend whom was suffering a teenage dilema. Ah..... how sweet you might say helping a friend in need. Actually i was hoping that the conversation will end soon be cause there was a television program that i was dying to watch. True enough, my wish came through but due to a power shortage caused by the over consumption of electricity due to the extreme uprise of temperature that was caused by men, who seem so relax to receive global warming caused by the increase of green house gases that blocked the rising temperture from the earth's crust to reach space. But i could be wrong about the whole scientific explanation of the green house effect; i took literature for my whole entire high schooling years way up to college and i'm currently doing law, so needless to say do not expect expert advice.

Other than the power shortage, i felt a little sober yesterday thanks to the burning of two cds and a few rounds of spider solitaire - LOVE that game.

What amazes me the most of all the unfolding events of yesterday, was the interaction i had with the awesome GOD. I don't think i can remember when i actually embraced the Lord; the only thing i do remember is that the Lord was there when i need Him. My cell leader called last night asking me to go for a carnival organised by the church, i refused. She asked me what was holding me back and i answered nothing and even said that releigion was not my main priority here. Nah, it is not true. I Love the Lord with all my heart but the only thing that i can emebrace about the Lord is the need to communicated in church. Attending church service, going for youth services ..etc. I can't devote myself not to God but to the socialization with the church goers. I feel left out in the blue everytime i go. Come home feeling angry and discontent and i would mpst prefer a one to one thing with God. I do have a personal relationship with God. He knows me very well. I pray yesterday for the electricity to be back in like half an hour or as quickily as it could, and the next thing i know was that it came back in like......15 minutes or less. Miracle happens only it you try to work it out and i know God will only help those who help themselves. Remembering the time when i said  my prayer and hope that God would save me and solve it. He does, provided i do my part of the bargain.

And that is just what i'll do. Fulfill my part of the bargain.

Even i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i'll fear no evil for you are with me. (Psalms 23)

Ah..... need to help artemis_obscure  burn CD......ah is TDK CD- RW okay mel?

Ah..... can't find Miss Sunita..... been finding her for the whole day!

Ah..... Need 2 buy B'day presents for Ai Koon and Nur'i